jun 23 > i had a dream things were okay between us. we kissed and laid down together like we used to alway do. its weird how even though i dislike you, you're my vision of physical love. even though you don't care about my feelings. or did we just not see eye to eye? or am i lying to myself. you were cruel at times. thats the truth. but i still see you in my dreams and thats just how it is. i wonder if we were supposed to mean more to each other. you never really opened up to me, and you put yourself first. thats a truth. your comfort always came first compared to my suffering. i cared about you, that's true. i was there for you, i did everything because i actually loved you. i won't deny it anymore. i think i always knew you didn't care about me, and i stayed even despite that. it was just your soul. even though it was avoiding, cruel, rude, i still loved you. JUST KIDDING! i hated so many things about you! turns out, i actually loved you and hated you at the same exact time! did you think it was possible? because it is apparently! when you cried sometimes i stopped caring after knowing your true nature! because how could you cry and not care when making others cry! you had the time of your life when we were fighting! your words were cheap and meaningless! you only ever meant anything you said when you were trying to hurt me! hahahahaa isnt that fucking crazy? these little things in life don't matter. i don't care about the nuance anymore. maybe you did love me, whatever. it's not my responsiblity to make sure you're understood, you can do that shit on your own. i want to give up easily from now on and do whatever my soul wants. i keep trying to follow all of these social rules, and i feel bad when i break them. why? this is my one life that i can have, fuck ur rules. im gonna make my own internal rules. You were an asshole and i should've left you right when you couldn't understand a little thing about me. thats my truth, people who can't understand things need to be oput into a shrinking box until it dissapears. so my new rule is that when people cant understand me im gonna put them into a little box in my brain and they need to stop existing! just kidding, thats sad. you know you cant just stop exisiting to your parents right?. i just want to have sex, honestly. superfical word cruel world nothing happy makes senseblah blah blah